Ha! I think I'm an idiot. I was with Hazel a while ago and I didn't have any sense of direction. Weird. Is it because I'm too sleepy that my brain refused to cooperate? And gahd, we went to Starbucks to drink coffee but my tongue blurted out "Appleberry Freeze, Venti please".  Ooops. Wrong decision. After that, I felt that I needed to drink coffee to wake me up. But instead of buying one at a nearby 7-11, what I bought was a bottle of vodka. I don't know. Hazel and I were discussing my affair with that drink 2 weeks before and my brain just went shebang. So there. I drank vodka like I was drinking water. And now, I wanted to sleep. But of course, I just can't because if I'm going to do that, you have to wake me up tomorrow.

Hay........ How I wish it's already 10:45. The end of my shift. I don't want to take calls anymore.

----------------

A friend asked me if I smoke weed. Nah. I don't. I'm curious though but I don't think I'll be tempted to smoke one after she let me smell it. It's still fresh! It's still Marlboro, Capri and DJ Myx for me. After all, I only smoke when I feel that it's the end of the world or when life's drama sinks in.

Why it is that it’s hard for me to be subtle?  To try hard to please my friends when in fact, I’m bored to death? Like when I’m with them singing their heart’s out named after a 4-squared polygon, I would detach myself in a corner and sleep, drink coffee and wish that the event will be over in a jiffy or think happy thoughts. I know that I’m plain rude but I can’t help it.  It’s as if I don’t care if they’re going to be hurt or not. More than once I was reprimanded for being “aloof”. I have preferred reading magazines or newspapers than joining their conversation. And I’m this gal known to talk a mile a minute!!!

As a member of my friends circle, I’m immediately subject to their scrutiny once I’m having my dull moments with them. Hopes are thick for me to be bubbly that I am, to enthrall them with my life’s adventures/misadventures, to act like a giggling teen-ager when it’s needed and to utter something that they can brag to their peers about.

I just hate it when they expect you to be always the person that you’re known to be. Say, you’re known to be hyper, they would expect that you’re always a bundle of energy and you don’t have any right to fizzle out or dream of lalalaland.  Sometimes, I’m thinking why do we try to find our comfort zone among the chick cliques and the sly guys we call friends at times molding ourselves into closed circles even if it means conforming our wonderful misshapen mindsets due to being labeled as outcast?

Do we have to be faithful to the bewildering religion of cool just to be accepted? Since when did we put such high premium on being like anybody else?

*Sigh*.

Anyway, all I can say is that it takes a while to break free from your friends' inner sanctum but when it finally happens, the first breath out of it is damn exhilarating.

Gosh! I'm, like, getting so fat. Talk about major blimpoid totally, I swear can I just?! Like, I measured my waistline just a couple of nights ago. And it's soooo gross, I swear! Imagine, I was around 26 inches when the year started. Now it's gone up to 30. Major shockers! Terminal, I tell you.

*sigh*

-------------------

Getting my life organized has always been my waterloo. Though at times I come off as having some semblance of order, the reality is clearly evident in my room. It's a mess, a fire hazard, a pit. It's not as bad as some of my other friend's inner sancti, but it still a cause of frustration on my part. While I am still able to find what I need beneath the stacks, I long for the day when I can get everything cleanly labeled and in their place, and have the discipline to keep it that way for a long time.

-------------------

As I glare into the twisted looking glass of fate,
I can't help but see the truth,
Do I exist or am I merely a mirage of pain?
Tears of fire burn through the clouded path of torture that
I have carved into the tinged defeat of pure vanity.
Of love or hate, expressions of beauty are idolized
among hope and desire of exquisite devotion
that has begun to build up enough pain through
the layers of lies to finally see through and burst
with only one tiny hope for revenge.
Gaze through your heart
and then burn a deep pit of anger and lies
then no matter how hard you try
you will always see through the fiction
of pure twisted desire for perfection
when you can actually look into the looking glass.

I'm posting this as a favor from a girl who doesn't want to be named.

--------------

Maybe it is a real dilemma that I find myself face to face with love and I have nothing to say. I don't think I can acknowledge it because I don't think I mirror the same.

There is a big difference between loving someone because your whole being cries out for him  to be near you always and loving someone because he loved you first and you feel secure. I think I am somewhere in the middle. And the middle is not always the best place to be in.

The thing about me is that I don't like the situation unless I was the one who felt it first. Scratch that; I don't think it's love I feel for the other person when I respond positively to his feelings. I think I'm merely using him to fill my need for companionship until the one I love comes into the picture. But, that would be unfair to him I know. So I try hard hard to think of him when I'm alone, or ask for his company when I feel lonely. And yet I can't help saying yes when he asks for mine.

Is there a word for that feeling between not loving but still longing for that person who loves you? If there is, I'd like to know.

--------------

Girl, just go with the flow. Maybe you're not aware of it but you'll find yourself digging that guy. I know that you're pretty, a smart ass and not that high maintenance kind of girl so don't ask why guys are running after you. You don't have to try your best to have that look that says "I'm-in-love-and-I-want-the-world-to-know for now but maybe, in the future, you'll look like a girl next door who sports that aura. Till next Sunday! I still taste that pasta. Nice choice of resto. =)