just sit still
and feel the gravity....
it'll bring you closer to the ground.
this moment is not
one mere trivial point
in your existence.

i'll sit still
and just believe
even for a second
that there's more..
...to life.

and after some time,
look back
and realize
that the vastness of life
cannot be contained
by a mere concept
designated by the word.

and then
just forget about it
and start wondering again.

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I've received the earliest Christmas message from one of my blogger friends here. It's from Harriene, that sweet girl who gave me 3 wishes. I hope that they'll all come true gurl! =) Anyway, how was your Christmas guys? After hitting the mall, pigging out, wearing your best outfit, opening your gifts, greeting each other etc., did you guys already greet our birthday celebrant? He's just so nice isn't he?

I don't know who else in here open their gifts on Christmas day itself. Is it only me? Anyway, greetings thru texting overflowed bigtime. Nice. If only my fellow textmates could text me that much everyday. Ha ha ha! This year, I was given lots of thongs. Now, what does that mean? Should I start a thong collection? I've received black, lacy ones, pink furry cuties, thongs with a motif, thongs in various colors. I thought that I would be receiving bags because I'm starting a collection here but hey, undies doesn't hurt. If you wanted to feel sexy while wearing a denim jeans, wear a thong. It's so kinky and it'll boost your confidence.

I was also given a small, striped blue green shirt. It's cute but if I'm going to wear it, you'll see my navel. Now, now, I'm not into exposing mine as I don't have that abs anymore. The reason why my funky friend gave that to me is to have a motivation to diet. I would. It's a tall order but I need to wear ALL my clothes again. I'm tired of wearing the same jeans over and over since the rest are just too small on the waist area. I'm actually starting not to be known as the great carbo queen eater. It's hard.

A personalize mug from my coach with my pic on it. She's pretty gutsy. She called me while I was on the middle of an irate call just to take my pic. When I've inquired why, she said that she's making a scrapbook. Hokay. So I did allow her to take my pic wearing my new yellow sleeveless sequined blouse. Har har har! Good thing I took the time to powder up.

Elegant wallet from Marion Godart. I really love paintings and I promise that this wallet is for keeps.

A pink polka dotted hairclip made by a fellow csr. She got burned because she's not an expert on how to use the glue gun properly. Awwwwww.

Burberry bag from a former officemate. Don't you just love stripes?

Tiered skirt. Oh la la! If I can only wear it but it'll be on March or April before I can get rid of those 5 ugly mosquito bites on my legs. Too bad.

Lip balms from Body shop. Now, I have a reason to pout. ;P

I got more gifts this year but I don't have all the time in the world to rave about them as minutes from now, I have to log in and answer calls. I have yet to drink my coffee. It's already cold.

There are a lot of people I know who’d rather not talk about God, and I don’t talk about God a whole lot, too. But I can’t deny how good He’s been to me and my family. Thanks, Daddy God, for being there when I needed to talk to someone, for not growing tired of hearing out my bitterness, for holding me close and tight when others would rather not. I try to do good whenever I can, and I know that I’ve failed a whole lot of times, but it is only You who can search my heart and know the depth of my sincerity when even I could not. I’ve learned a great deal from the people who’ve come and gone in my life, as well as the people who have stayed. Thank You for them all, for without them, I am without me.

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It's time to plot out something different. Less of the old, more of the new. It's bad to be boxed, to be caged, especially if in that darkness where you're forced by impressions to stay, you find yourself in the embrace of a stigma, akin to a virus that renders you unclean.

It's time to break from the cage. And burn it. By heaven, I will try to burn it, even if I've been smeared by its rusty tar-laced bars. I may not be able to escape completely, but at least I'd no longer be trapped. In this case, it's better to die half-free.

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Tonight I went to a place I wasn't supposed to go to, but I did anyway. I just needed to find out if I was better.

After leaving that other world, I can't say for sure if I'm better. All I know is that I'm not well.

While there are those who are.

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Is there a question that you’ve been meaning to ask me? (This being my blog, I guess I should take advantage of the opportunity.) Anything about me or what I do or how I think or feel?

Don’t worry. I won’t take it against you. But my demonic minions are beside me to assess the maleficence of your inquiries, and are prepared to haunt the dreams of those with malicious intents. Lol! Just kidding! =)

Indulge me.

Musings.

I saw the sign
and it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up
to get into the light
where you belong

I've been asking for signs on a semi-regular basis before. Signs to give me an idea of how to go about my life over a period, or signs that help me in my decision-making. Some of the signs have been so blatant, they're freaky, but most have been ambiguous. But generally, they've done me a lot of good.

I live my life unmindful of a specific path. I just walk and walk, with the wind and heart as my map. While I used to plan a whole lot, to the point of constructing complex diagrams when I feel like it, my Aries soul can be unpredictable even to myself. So when I get tired from all the walking, I take a moment to ask the wind and my heart where I should go next. That's when I ask for signs.

The signs I've asked for have been giving mixed messages, which to a degree defeats the entire purpose of what signs are for. When the heart goes one way and the wind another, the mind tries to mitigate, and even then the direction remains obscure, as if the poles have taken to shifting thus confusing the compass.

What the new signs clearly offer, however, are opportunities. Not clear-cut paths, but a single point of reference, like the north star. With the right navigational instruments and careful calculation, I may just reach the next great place in my life. But it's also during this process where a lot of internal issues jump out of the box in post-Halloween revelry. The fear is economic in nature, and I don't know if I'm brave enough. It's that play-by-ear thing again.

(So when Ace of Base said "No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light," were they just exercising artistic license?

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It’s one thing to find amusing another person’s misfortune, but to laugh hysterically at it and call it cool is tasteless in my book. This isn’t "A Series of Unfortunate Events." It’s real life.

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One of my friends has fallen in love, a fate he's been trying to avoid these past four years. He had claimed that he wasn't ready to commit himself to another for the simple fact that he wasn't ready. But lo and behold, the heart strings get yanked by a locomotive, and there's pray little he could do to stop it.

I haven't fallen in love yet. I don't fall in love that easily. Crushes abound, sure, but love is another thing altogether.

It was last night, while walking alone through crowded Greenbelt, that I realized I was lonely. It didn't hurt the way it used to. There was no hurt at all, in fact, just a distinct hollow at the center of the chest that seemed to suck on the life force, an internal black hole if you will. Fortunately, I bumped into an old friend who worked in the area, and I distracted myself over dinner and conversation about fashion and interior design, despite my being a dunce in those fields.

Love is perhaps the one thing that goes against the concept of "fear of the unknown." No one truly knows what love is all about (unless you subscribe to the theory of love being just a rush of hormones), but many seem to want it so badly and be beguiled by its spell. Me? Well... I won't deny wanting a special somone in my life right now, but my brain is quick to interrupt the outpouring of this ol' heart of mine. Take it a day at a time, it reminds me. A relationship is a bonus, not a requirement.

And it comes when we least expect it.

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I saw my ex-choirmate a while ago. I should be happy when I saw him but hello?! The first sentence that he uttered was, and in a loud voice mind you, "Are you pregnant? You're soooo fat!". Gahd. Thank you very much! Giving him a glare and a sardonic smile didn't stop him from muttering more. "I really can't believe that it's you! You we're looking good before." Arrrgh. I guess I should take dieting seriously now huh?