It's been almost 2 weeks without blogging. I've been too busy doing stupid things like stalking a guy for example. Yeah right. Count that in one of my fabulous booboos that now, what I wanted to do is hie off to the nearest cafe, wear something black and chain smoke like there's no tomorrow. Be like a goth for once, that is. This is the first time in my life that I did something crazy for a guy. Crazy enough that that dude who's one of the pillars of our company had me hunted. Really. I don't know what got into me. I just hope that he's not aware that one of the winners of their little competition for straight 1 month was me.
Sigh. Talk about humiliation. I can't even look at him straight into his eyes once he ask regarding our work. But peepz, if the guy looks like he came straight from a fashion magazine, a certified hearthrob, has piercing eyes, got a goatee, great bod, a smartie, very mysterious etc., I don't know if you can't stop yourself drooling. Literally. Damn! I sent him loads of emails. Of course I didn't dare say my nick eventhough he asked who I was several times.
Stufid oaf! Yeah. That's me alright. That's why I've stopped sending him mails.
Anyway, I guess that the Extasy driven place of working in a non corporate world makes my mind stink. Somehow, I kinda miss wearing those corporate suits of mine and working 8-5. Hmmm.... Nah. Eventhough I'm itching to wear pumps and skirts again, I wouldn't exchange the freedom I have now. No paperworks, no deadlines to beat, no pressure from the mancom. I do hope that I'll last working the same job for my probationary period. Or more. I'm getting bored.
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If you line up all my friends side by side, the world will be bewildered with a kaleidoscope of colorful people. It will be a sight to behold like a lake of fallen leaves in autumn. Sometimes, I give myself a pat on the back for having found a way to be part of the lives of these people --- some of whom are single-mothers, professionals, blue-collars, drop-outs, rich, poor, catholic, atheist, christian, dark, fair, gay, straight, virile, frigid.
These friends have surrounded my life with stories as colorful as the lives they live. I have had the privilege of being the only ear to savor the juicy details of things illicit and allowed. I have been trusted with very personal information that can make or break a person. I have spent time drenching a friend's tears and at the same time trying my luck as a stand-up comic in my effort to lighten up things. I have been frequently dumbfounded with some facts that were shared to me in confidence. And I have probably drank hundred liters of coffee by now listening to all my friend's pains and anguish. There are times that I start to ponder, this may have been my life's calling or vocation: To make a difference in other people's lives.
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I think I'm most attractive when I'm vulnerable. It may be odd, but I'm personally convinced it's absolutely, positively, and flawlessly true. I have repeatedly affirmed this truth courtesy of a few times in the recent weeks when I had the chance to be alone and be introspective.
But contrary to what most people think, I am not self-destructive when vulnerable. I do not seek alcohol although there are occasions when having a beer or vodka just fits the mood. I do not drown myself in anti-depressants neither do I succumb to the spell of sleeping pills. I do not camp inside my room and stack on Kleenex. Neither do I get bewitched with enchanting stories about testing drugs. Uhmm, maybe I smoke 3 or 4 cigarettes but that's it. I never become suicidal.
I have to say, it's somehow easy to spot whenever I'm likely to be vulnerable. It happens oftentimes when important occasions hover in the corner and I find myself separated from people close to me, especially my family. I don't know if it happens that way to other people and I'm not sure if it triggers them to be defenseless too, but I'm weakened everytime. I retreat, become easily moved, and somehow discover that I had been gifted with having little depth. My tearducts are shallow. I then become tearfully sentimental without really trying.
When this happens, go past the tears and look inside. My emotional state during these times is perfect for starting a nurturing friendship. I find myself devoid of critical thoughts but filled instead with an overflowing desire to open my thoughts and my lifestory. All of a sudden, I feel free, I breathe deeply, I smile genuinely, I listen with my heart, and I become eloquent. Without the slightest difficulty, I can start to candidly narrate my life's crossroads, convey my deepest yearnings, and proclaim my dreams and prayers. My ugly frailties and flaws better buried in secrecy are quickly surrendered and disclosed.
This is me at its most vulnerable state, but this is me at its best.
