As I’m writing this entry, I’m trying hard not to scratch myself all over. I-AM-SO-ITCHY!!! No, not because I didn’t get to take a bath but because I have allergies from drinking too much. I was invited to sing in the military wedding of a friend. Aside from the pomp and pageantry, the traditional wedding ceremony, and the sword thingy which was the highlight last Monday in the posh church of the rich and the famous, there were the rounds of alcohol imaginable that were given. I’ve tried hard not to accept them but alas, I really had to drink because it was in the program. I’ve drank 2 shots of tequila and 1 shot of red wine. Fabulous? Ha! No way! Make that yuck to the highest power. I hate their smell. And their taste. Swallowing tequila and red wine were like having those volcanic eruptions in my throat. There was no chaser. I was afraid that I was going to vomit them in the midst of the program but thank goodness, I didn’t. It’ll be very embarrassing if I did. After all, I was with highly dignified people. If I were to count, there were 5 major generals, 3 brigadier generals, 7 full pledge colonels and countless graduates of the Philippine Military Academy not to mention around 500 guests including a mayor, a vice-mayor, and a congressman lurking the area. I thought I was really doomed and drinking those was the end of it. Little did I know that it was only the beginning and that I would end up going home around 4:00 a.m. with a great hang-over and an allergy to boot. After that drinking brouhaha, a buddy asked me if I would be joining them for home. I’ve said yes of course! That was 11:30 p.m. Alas, I was so stupid to forget my purse, kikay kit and all to another car of my friend because I really wanted to go home early and sleep. I was really drowsy because it’s a little bit late and I guess the stinking alcohol did help. My guy friend whispered to my ear “Hey gurl, don’t sleep. We’re still going to have fun.” “Fun?” I idly asked him through eyes wide shut. I was informed that we’re going someplace 3 km far from my home to say goodbye to a friend’s boyfriend who’s heading to Phuket, Thailand. I’ve just nodded and slept. After seeming like hours, someone slapped my bottom. I didn’t budge. If I have known that they would tickle me endlessly, I would be the first one to get down the car. I hate to be tickled because I’m very ticklish. Ask me which part? That’ll be everywhere thank you. Past forward to Ate Hope’s den, we were greeted with alcohols. Lots of it. There were tequila, brandy and those beers. Ugh. If I wanted to run, I didn’t have the guts. Will you run if you don’t have any penny with you, wearing a skimpy blue dress and sandals with 3 inches heels high? Will you run at past midnight without anyone at your side? Sure, I can ask my friends to take me home but I’m pretty sure that they’ll turn me down. I can phone my parents but unfortunately, they’re not around and I’m sure they’ll be mad once they knew that I was in for a drinking session. I can’t even get out of that den. My friends wouldn’t let me. What for? Sigh! I was with them until 4 a.m. and I was a completely different person. I’ve drank heavily, sang with my buddies, dance a bit wildly and exchange witty albeit naughty conversations. It seemed that my brain flew out of the window. Sigh again! I was a complete idiot never minding the hang-over and the allergies that I’ll be getting that morning. Amidst the smoke inside the room (Thank God I didn’t get to puff one! This time, I’ve said no.), blaring music, and merriment, my mind drifted somewhere else. It went back during my early teens.
Tired of being a straight student and Miss Goody Two Shoes, I’ve entered college with a resolution that I’ll be a completely different person. Yup. I was that serious. Maybe because I’ve miss my high school friends that much. I can still vividly remember who I was during my 1st year and 2nd year in high school. I was a geek... a bookworm... a very timid student curled in her own world. Heck, I was even shy to powder my face and I was extremely sensitive. My gahd. That’s the reason why my testimonials at friendster from high school friends say that I’m shy, quiet, serious etc. while my present friends report that I’m Miss Talkative. I was Miss Prim and Proper before and I wanted to get out of that shell so I’ve resorted to learn how to say cuss words fast. Take note, I didn’t get to say one during my middle school years. I was a saint. I’ve learned how to lie, to twist words with ease to my parents so I can go out with some people. Later, I’ve found out that lying is an art and I need that to survive the jungle out there. I did feel guilty but I was enjoying my life then. I was still kind of course, amiable and friendly. Come 3rd year and 4th year, I broke all my parents’ rules. I’ll watch the last full show with friends, stay up late in a friend’s house reading girly magazines to know the latest trends, gush on those hunky movie stars, play basketball and swimming, walking around the village of Makati etc. I’ll come home around 11 or 1 a.m. at the most. My mother didn’t have any idea that I was cheating on her. I was still her sweet daughter. I mean, was she normal? I did those things almost everyday! She did ask me questions but my reasons were always prepared. Plus, my friends were there to back me up. What a group. Daughters of military officials, daughters of known political clans, a pretty close friend who’s the first cousin of our country’s celebrated bombshell etc. With this group, I became a social butterfly. I’ve learned how to be with guys with ease, how to smoke and deliver those ring puffs, how to drink with zest, how to party and do "nice" stuffs that I knew before. Deep inside, I knew that they weren’t going to last if I’m going to part with them sooner. That’s why; I’ve vowed that I’ll continue what I’ve learned during high school because I don’t want to be known as Miss Prim and Proper. Ha! During those times, I was a wild child. I’ve found a new set of friends. Wow. They’re wild beyond my years if you ask me. They’re the most liberated bunch in our class and in our batch. They wore ring studs and tattoos (not the fake ones), they swore endlessly and they puffed and drank heavily. Alcohols for them were like water. Smooth... no taste at all. With that group, I was the tamest. I don’t have a tattoo and I’m afraid to get another piercing other than for my earrings. I was seen with them at U-Belt puffing cigarettes. It was too embarrassing when a professor in psychology who was my secret crush until graduation day saw me with them. He frowned at me. After all, he considered me as one of his brightest students in class. If I was bright, I should have known that I would get burned fast. I didn’t care. That twinge of guilt didn’t bother me. I was clearly enjoying my life. I wore heavy make-up that’s meant for a party. When I went to school, my face was clean. Only a face powder and a lip gloss will do. But once I’m inside the campus, the restroom was my first stop over. That explains why Haze didn’t get to see me wearing make-up. Anyway, not only cutting classes, taking a boost and puffing a cigarette were my activities before. Sex was included. Uh oh, I’m still intact mind you. I told you I was the tamest in the group and I didn't have a boyfriend. My so called friends humped and pumped wildly before my eyes. With their girl friends and with their boyfriends. It was a liveshow! I know, it was evil but I was deaf and blind. I wasn’t afraid to go to hell because I was sort of an atheist. I guess being a product of an exclusive school didn’t helped me to know what “morals” were during that time. Clearly, I was still insane but it didn’t wake me up. At the boarding house of a girl friend, we wore panties and bras. Sometimes, we wore nothing at all. We would stare at each other’s bodies laughing like evil witches. No malice for me. I was proud of my body. I don’t know if I was a lesbian during that time but I’ve enjoyed seeing a woman’s body naked. After all, aside from being pretty, they’re all gorgeous. I didn’t let them touch me though. I was with that group for a year. The thing that woke me up from all that craziness was believe it or not, I felt that I was planned by them to get raped. Not with a guy but with them. As usual we’ve cut a class and stayed at the boarding house. And as usual, we were in our panties and bras. I was having a nap when two girls grabbed my hands and legs. I’ve looked at them sharply and asked them to let me go. No. They were dead serious and have this evil smile. They told me that I should be devirginized! Devirgi what?!! I didn’t have a boyfriend and I wasn’t looking for one while them, they get laid almost everyday. I became afraid of them. Suddenly, they became strangers. So there, I instantly woke up and fought them really hard. Someone tugged at my bra. She succeeded and I’ve almost cried. I’ve pleaded. I was mad and afraid. No, they’re not going to give up so I did what I thought was best. I kicked them in the face. Ha! That's why I took up tae-kwan-do to protect myself. They were shocked of course and I told them to stop it. There were 4 of them that time but I was the tallest. 2 of them almost stopped but the other 2 didn’t. When they’ve attacked me again, I kicked them on their faces and their stomachs. One landed on her butt at the nearest table with her sugar, milk and coffee. I felt no remorse eventhough she was bleeding. They’ve helped that girl who landed butt first while I grabbed my things, went to kitchen, changed into my uniform, and fled. I’ve used their secret passage. As I was running, I didn’t have any idea that I was crying. I can’t believe that that event happened. I didn’t dare tell a soul. Only you fellow bloggers know this event. Embarassing. I know but that’s past already. Anyway, I’m still a social butterfly but I’ve changed my set of friends. Gone were the heavy make-up, boost and cigarettes. Gone were my famous sarcastic one-liners etc. That bad dream happened before summer. I’ve changed successfully that my classmates were shocked when I saw them the next semester. I looked like Miss and Proper again. About those girls? They didn’t graduate. Most of them got pregnant, others went abroad. I thought that I’ve buried that memory already but when I got drunk with friends a day ago, I can’t help but think of the past again. That horrible event didn't make me run to a shrink. I resumed my classes. I’ve moved on as if it didn’t happened. I didn’t report them because I was afraid to be the laughingstock of our class. I was that fool. Because of that event, I didn’t dare sip an alcohol after college even if my friends pressured me. Not last Monday. Not when I can’t back out because I know I’ll be dead meat when I didn’t take their offer. I was weak. I know. I believe that 3 swigs of alcohol have poisoned my brain that I've decided to drink all the alcohol that they gave me when I was invited to hit a despedida with them.
I believe that I’m the sort of person who cries easily but will not wallow in self pity. I can completely forget a detestable incident in a flash. I shove them in the farthest corner in my mind. My brain is like a PC, it can delete anything if I wanted to.....but not completely.
Anyway, this is too much. This is by far, my longest entry. I’ve bared my soul for the world to know. I’m glad two people only know me personally here. Whew!
